May 11 Jokes

[alpha_male]

Red tomatoes


A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her
tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman
neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato
garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her
tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she
exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "How did you make
out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!"

[alpha_male]

One day the African chief's wife gave birth to a white child and the chief was absolutely stunned. He suspected some hanky panky and went to the white Jesuit missionary father and looked at him suspiciously.

"You have been f**king my wives," he accused the white father, who looked very uncomfortable. The Jesuit, tried to wriggle out of the difficult situation by trying to explain Mendel's laws of genetics to the wrathful black.

"You see that herd of sheep," he said pointing to the chief's herd, "Most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them."

"OK! OK!" said the chief. "You keep your mouth shut and so will I."

[alpha_male]

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[alpha_male]

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.

Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They're going to call her Old Spice.

Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the f*ck is she doing out of the kitchen?

[alpha_male]

Grandpa had just told them the news - he was getting engaged to a twenty five year old nymphomaniac. The family was very concerned. His eldest daughter spoke confidentially to him.
"Dad, we're most concerned that sex with a girl like that could prove fatal."
"So what?", said Grandpa. "If she dies, she dies."

[alpha_male]

Mission Impossible