May 11 Jokes

[cool1]

NEW SUPERMARKET SURROUND-SOUND

The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.


When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.


The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.


Needless to say I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[cool1]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and
presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting
the toilet seat just by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the
pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules
of life really are:

In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to
know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Thought for the Day:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES ..... THEY ARE NOT REALLY
GOOD FOR ANYTHING ... BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO
YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS

[cool1]

More to come later today

[NinjaSteve]

Haha, the first one was funny. My supermarket has that too. Good stuff.

[SykkBoy]

haha, loved the second one...might have to chain mail that one....

[flashworks69]

Looking forward to todays jokes brought to you by cool1

[ADL Josh]

haha, good stuff man

[carol.prime]

thanks for the jokes cool1..
you always made me laugh!!!

[PornFactory]

good ones...
thanks!

[fresh]

hah good ones

[ScreaM]

Great jokes as usual

[LerWick]

nice jokes, thanks

[cool1]

thanks everyone
not as many as usual but funny ones.

[ScreaM]

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and
presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

[Dupont]

A few gave me a chuckle

[born2blog]

Originally Posted by cool1

Needless to say I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

that first one cracked me up!!

[alpha_male]

just two jokes today. are you running out of jokes again?

[alpha_male]

Sherlock Holmes & Watson walking through park


Dr. Watson and Sherlock Holmes were walking through the park when they passed three women eating bananas.
"Ah", said Holmes, " I see a spinster, a prostitute and a newlywed."
"Amazing, Holmes!", said Dr Watson, "How did you deduce that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. "See how the spinster breaks the banana into small pieces before possing them into her mouth? Whilst the prostitute in the middle holds the banana in both hands."
"Yes, Holmes, but how do you know the other one is newlywed?"
"Well", said Holmes," she's holding the banana with one hand and thumping herself on the back of the head with the other."

[alpha_male]

The Stuck Vibrator

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

[alpha_male]

i was just reading it today and i am posting it as it was.

A Day at the Races

A Day at the Races

The Lineup:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry

THEY'RE OFF!
Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught by Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot!

AT THE HALF:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH:
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head. Bare Belly shows, Thighs weakens, Heavy Bosom pulls up, And Clean Sheets never had a chance.