June 18 Jokes

[cool1]

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

[cool1]

With modern medical conveniences coming into Russia since the USSR's breakup, many Russians still have to learn how to do things that westerners understand from modern culture.

One Doctor working in an outback part of the country was visited by a old Russian man with severe constipation. Being in a hurry, the doctor gave the poor Russian some suppositories and sent him away with a scheduled checkup in three days. Three days passed and the old Russian man arrived back at the doctors.

"So how did those work for ya?", the doctor asked.

The old Russian, with a look of disgust replied: "Doctor! They tasted like shit; They stuck in my throat; and for as much good as they did me, I might as well have shoved them up my ass!"

[cool1]

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass of.

"Why is it so god damn cold down here? "Pete asks.

"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

[cool1]

#3

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."

My case comes up on Friday...

[martinsc]

hahahahaha good ones...

[cool1]

A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town.

At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder.

He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he this time he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.

He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

[cool1]

A little girl came running into the house crying her eyes out and cradling her hand.

"Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked mom.

"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away."

Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.

"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" whined the little one.

"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent.

"Well I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!"

[sirkakashi08]

that was funny, pal! LOL!

[PornFactory]

great ones as always!

thanks!

[XXXTurn]

Thanks for the jokes

[ScreaM]

Nice ones, thanks cool1.

[cool1]

thanks everyone

[fresh]

lol few cracked me up

[Big-D]

LOL.. thanks cool1 I needed a good laugh!

Big D

[ScreaM]

Originally Posted by cool1

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

This was the funniest imo.

[Strickie]

A couple of good ones there

[mikesinner]

lol, those made me laugh, thx

[pf69.com]

you have so many awesome jokes!!!
thanks for sharing a few of them with us!!

[EasterBunny]

The dog and church were the best!

[Dupont]

A few gave me a chuckle