November 15 Jokes

[cool1]

At an international Convention of coffee-producing nations, the Philippines proved it really has given something to the coffee world.

The Columbia delegate said: "We have the best coffee beans."

Remarked the Japanese representative: "Japan refined coffee production to make people enjoy coffee more."

The American delegate: "America has the best and the most number of brands of regular and instant coffee, supported by the most modern means of production."

Then the Filipino delegate stood up to proudly declare: "The Philippines invented the two-hour coffee break!!!"

[cool1]

Surinder's uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place. When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!"

So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.

The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"

The the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting. "And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.

"Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly.

Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.

"What is it?" asked the American.

"Sweet of India!" replied the old man.

After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Pooooooooot!" from the uncle.

"What was that?" asked the American in disgust.

The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"

[cool1]

Bhola as you know, is a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Bhola decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again.

He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself. So, one day, on the way home from work Bhola took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.

The next afternoon Bhola went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.

"Well," explained Bhola, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"

[cool1]

Pyaaaray Lal,

I am writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved! I won't be able to give you the address as the last person who stayed in this house took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well, last week I put in three shirts and pulled the chain and I HAVE NOT SEEN THEM SINCE.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the last payment on GRANDMA'S FUNERAL, she will come up again. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass in the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning, I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an uncle or an aunty.

Your Uncle Herolal fell into a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out- he rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two friends drowned as they couldn't' get the gate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

[cool1]

Two diplomats are riding in a limousine in Moscow, an Indian and a Russian, discussing state business.

The Russian says to the Indian, "Rohit, I like you, but my superiors say the deal can't go through. They don't want to be associated with your country. They tell me it's filthy and the citizens just shit on the streets."

"That is not true!" exclaims the Indian, "We are very fastidious...in fact, you're not one to talk, isn't that someone shitting on your fine sidewalk?" he points out the window where there is indeed a squatted figure defecating on the sidewalk.

The Russian diplomat is enraged. "Stop the car!" he yells at the driver, Pavel. "Pavel, go execute that shitting man." Pavel nods at his boss, stops the the car and takes out a gun.

After a minute, he shakes his head and returns to his boss. "Sir, I cannot execute him."

"Why the hell not?" yells the Russian.

"Sir, he's the Indian Prime Minister."

[cool1]

One afternoon, George Bush was sitting in his office when his telephone rang.
"Hello Mr. Bush," a heavily accented voice says. "This is Bholaji. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!"

Well, Bholaji," George replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

At this moment in time," says Bholaji after a moments calculation, "There is myself, my cousin Herolal, my next door neighbor Pyarelal and the entire Kabbadi team from the Village. That makes 8!"

George sighs and says, "I must tell you Bholaji that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word."

OK," says Bholaji. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Bholaji calls back. "Right Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"What equipment would that be, Bholaji?" George asks.

Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Chacha's tractor from the farm."

Once more George sighs and says, "I must tell you Bholaji that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers, 10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."

"I'll be dogged!" says Bholaji. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Bholaji calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old Govind's crop sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the Hockey team has joined us as well!"

Once more George sighs and says "I must tell you Bholaji that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high maneuverability attack planes and my military installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Oh cripes," says Bholaji. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Bholaji calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Bush, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm very sorry to hear that," says George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Bholaji, "We've all had a chat and t'be sure, there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war."

[cool1]

Passengers on a Philippine Airlines flight heard this announcement from the captain, Capt. Juan Amorpropio: "Mga kababayan, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement: "Mga kababayan, we at Philippine Airlines have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane"

As commented by one of the passengers: "Galing, that's what i like about PAL, always has some contingency measures of some sort!, I hope they help me out coz' i definitely don't know how to swim."

After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.

The captain once again made an announcement: "Mga kababayan we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane THANK YOU FOR FLYING PHILIPPINE AIRLINES."

[cool1]

An Indian walks into a hardware store and asks to see the chain saws. Picking up one, he asked the store clerk, "How many trees will this one cut in an hour?"

"Oh, that one will cut about five good sized trees in an hour," replied the clerk.

"What about this one?" asked the Indian. The clerk replied,

"That's an intermediate model which cuts around ten trees."

"And this one?" asked the Indian.

"That's our best model. It should cut at least 20 trees in an hour," said the clerk

"I'll take it!" said the Indian. Two days later, the Indian returns to the store and angrily states, "Hey, this saw is terrible. I could only cut three trees in one hour with it!"

The clerk says, "Gee, I don't understand that. This is the best chainsaw we carry. Wait a minute while I check it out." The clerk pulled on the starter rope and the saw immediately activated with a loud roar.

'Hey," said the Indian, "what's that noise?"

[cool1]

My husband came home from work and told me he witnessed a fight between a Filipino man and a Black man.

A cop showed up trying to figure out what was happening. The Black man said, "He called me a bastard".

The Filipino man said "I didn't".

So then the cop asked the Filipino man what happened and he said, "Dat man ass me where is Longs Drugs and all I told him was "You one blok bast-it (You one block past it).

[cool1]

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.

The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted 95%.

[Auf Mauf]

Originally Posted by cool1

Passengers on a Philippine Airlines flight heard this announcement from the captain, Capt. Juan Amorpropio: "Mga kababayan, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement: "Mga kababayan, we at Philippine Airlines have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane"

As commented by one of the passengers: "Galing, that's what i like about PAL, always has some contingency measures of some sort!, I hope they help me out coz' i definitely don't know how to swim."

After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.

The captain once again made an announcement: "Mga kababayan we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane THANK YOU FOR FLYING PHILIPPINE AIRLINES."

Lol this give me a loud laugh. Nice one.

[ScreaM]

Originally Posted by cool1

At an international Convention of coffee-producing nations, the Philippines proved it really has given something to the coffee world.

The Columbia delegate said: "We have the best coffee beans."

Remarked the Japanese representative: "Japan refined coffee production to make people enjoy coffee more."

The American delegate: "America has the best and the most number of brands of regular and instant coffee, supported by the most modern means of production."

Then the Filipino delegate stood up to proudly declare: "The Philippines invented the two-hour coffee break!!!"

lol I like this one.

[Dupont]

A few gave me a chuckle

[cool1]

Thanks guys .