January 2 Jokes

[cool1]

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison.
"Okay, dad, you get the toy."

[cool1]

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . whether you're here or not."

[cool1]

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

[cool1]

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says,
"And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
"what took you o long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

[cool1]

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

[cool1]

Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[cool1]

INDIAN LOGIC

An American Indian chief sat in the reservation smoking a ceremonial pie,
and eyeing two U. S. Government officials who had been sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles - you have observed white man for the last 90 years.
You have seen his wars and technological advances.
You've seen both his progress and the damage he has done"
The Chief nodded and carried on smoking.
"In your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at them for a minute and then replied.
"When white man came, Indians were running this place.
There were no taxes, no debts, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free.
Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night have sex.
(smiling) Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"

[cool1]

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route.
No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.
Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.
He glared at the driver and said, " Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek?
Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.
And the next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"
the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, " And why not ?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass"

[cool1]

Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside, and said:
"I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!" the woman exclaimed.
You mean it has a penis and a brain?

[cool1]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well!" "Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman still watching thinks this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. The couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

[mikesinner]

lol, very funny stuff

[ScreaM]

lol, the first one was good.

[cool1]

thanks guys

[papagmp]

Thanks, I needed that this morning.

[EuroRev_Stacey]

i love the first one, that one reminds me of my husband

[LittleSassy]

good ones as usual!

[Dupont]

A few gave me a chuckle

[gecko]

Great jokes as always

[LerWick]

great jokes as allways

[Triton2004]

thanks for the jokes...they are great as always..