March 28 Jokes

[cool1]

PRICELESS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit.


Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

I DON'T YA JUST LOVE A HAPPY ENDING?

[cool1]

There was a young man from Savannah,
Who met his end in a curious manner.
He whittled a hole
In a telephone pole
And electrified his banana.

[cool1]

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the
wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the
doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear
up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental
patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

[cool1]

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual
contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they
got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that
he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly.

The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Jon said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

"I'd be completely blind."

The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the
exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave
him the answers.

So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, "What
would happen if I cut off one ear?"

Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, "I'd be
half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other
ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered.

"Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."

[cool1]

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another
from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed
the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready
to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a
rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

[cool1]

There was a man who got into a car accident. He was soon rushed to the
hospital.
The left side of his body was completely paralyzed.
The doctor said, "He was going to be all right."

[cool1]

This is a moral question for you. It is an imaginary situation . . .
. . . but it is fun to decide what you would do.

The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress.
Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised, and infrastructure
destroyed. You are a photographer out getting still photos for a news service,
traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.

Suddenly, you stumble across a Marine helicopter crash. It's George Bush's
and he's struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you have
the choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the
death of a President.

What shutter speed would you use?

[cool1]

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the
preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He
grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. Pastor said, "You
need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend said, "I'm already in
the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't
see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in
the Secret Service."

[cool1]

There was an American basketball player that had a tournament in
Belfast. After one of his games he stepped outside for a breath of
fresh air when he felt a gun in his back. "What's your religion?" he
heard the man growl. Bobby (the player) had no real religion but he
knew if he said he was Catholic and this guy was a Protestant he would
kill him and if he said he was Protestant and the guy was Catholic he
would kill him. Thinking quickly he said "I'm Jewish." and the man
replied, "Oh Allah I must be the luckiest arab in all of Ireland."

[cool1]

Memo to: The members of the Kansas Board of Education

From: God

Re: Your decision to eliminate the teaching of evolution as science.

Thank you for your support. Much obliged.

Now, go forth and multiply. Beget many children. And yea, your
children shall beget children. And their children shall beget
children and their children's children after them. And in time the
genes that have made you such pinheads will be eliminated through
natural selection. Because that is how it works.

Listen, I love all my creatures equally, and gave each his own special
qualities to help him on Earth. The horse I gave great strength. The
antelope I gave great grace and speed. The dung beetle I gave great
stupidity, so he doesn't realize he is a dung beetle. Man I gave a
brain.

Use it, okay?

I admit I am not perfect. I've made errors. (Armpit hair--what was I
thinking?) But do you Kansans seriously believe that I dropped half-a-
billion-year-old trilobite skeletons all over my great green Earth by
mistake? What, I had a few lying around some previous creation in the
Andromeda galaxy, and they fell through a hole in my pocket? You
were supposed to find them. And once you found them, you were supposed
to draw the appropriate, intelligent conclusions.

That's what I made you for: To think.

The folks who wrote the Bible were smart and good people. Mostly, they
got it right. But there were glitches. Imprecision?s. For one thing,
they said that Adam and Eve begat Cain and Abel, and then Cain begat
Enoch. How was that supposed to have happened? They left out Tiffany
entirely! Well, they also were a little off on certain elements of
timing and sequence. So what? You guys were supposed to figure it all
out for yourselves, anyway. When you stumble over the truth, you are
not supposed to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and proceed on as
though nothing had happened. If you find a dinosaur's toe, you're not
supposed to look for reasons to call it a croissant. You're not big,
drooling idiots. For that, I made dogs. Why do you think there are no
fossilized human toes dating from a hundred million years ago? Think
about it.

It's okay if you think. In fact, I prefer it. That's why I like
Charlie Darwin. He was always a thinker. Still is. He and I chat
frequently. I know a lot of people figure that if man evolved from
other organisms, it means I don't exist. I have to admit this is a
reasonable assumption and a valid line of thought. I am in favor of
thought. I encourage you to pursue this concept with an open mind, and
see where it leads you. That's all I have to say right now, except
that I'm really cheesed off at laugh tracks on sitcoms, and the NRA,
and people who make simple declarative sentences sound like questions?


Oh, wait. There's one more thing.

Did you read in the newspapers yesterday how scientists in Australia
dug up some rocks and found fossilized remains of life dating back
further than ever before? Primitive, multicolor animals on Earth
nearly 3 billion years ago, when the planet was nothing but roiling
muck and ice and fire. And inside those cells was . . . DNA.
Incredibly complex strands of chemicals, laced together in a scheme so
sophisticated no one yet understands exactly how it works. I wonder
who could have thought of something like that, back then.

Just something to gnaw on.

[AbsolutePorn]

Originally Posted by cool1

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual
contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they
got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that
he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly.

The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Jon said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

"I'd be completely blind."

The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the
exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave
him the answers.

So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, "What
would happen if I cut off one ear?"

Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, "I'd be
half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other
ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered.

"Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."

LOL at this one!!!

[fresh]

fucking awesome jokes

[ScreaM]

lol, loved the first one even though it's an oldie.

[cool1]

Originally Posted by ScreaM

lol, loved the first one even though it's an oldie.

they are all oldies ScreaM

[Dave PSC]

Great jokes - thanks for the laughs

[Jethro]

Great jokes , I like them

[ScreaM]

Originally Posted by cool1

they are all oldies ScreaM

The other ones are new to me.

[cool1]

Originally Posted by ScreaM

The other ones are new to me.

I guess I am just old.

[seeandsee]

Thx for jokes, looking cool!

[GerardX]

Thanks for the jokes. Great as usual.