April 4 Jokes

[cool1]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells
his wife about the purchase he's just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze."
"So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin.
"Gold of course," says the proud man.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice
if you came second for a change!"

[cool1]

Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to
collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale.
"No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" Trying to
convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her
nice baby-worm."
"No, she isn't," said Johnny. "Why not?" "Because I ate her first!"

[cool1]

An American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide:
"How large is the population here?"
"Around 1.5 billion" -- the guide answers American, After a short pause: "So, what else do you do here?"

[cool1]

Nearly everyone knows that Judith Martin, better known as
Miss Manners, the syndicated columnist, is exceedingly correct.
Last week, she saw an advertisement in the newspaper that a
Maryland jewelry store was having a sale in her silver pattern.
Upon arriving at the store, she told the jeweler she was
looking for additional dessert spoons in her pattern and had
been making do with the larger soup spoons.

"That's not much of a hardship," the employee said. "It is
for me," Martin responded. Caught up in the moment, the
saleswoman joked, "Who do you think you are, Miss Manners?"
The easily recognizable Miss Manners looked at the woman,
unable to respond. And then it registered. "Oh my God!"
the saleswoman said.

[cool1]

In a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found
in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I
understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male
semen?"
"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor
girl’s face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had
inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books
without a word and walked out of class. However, as
she was going out the door, the Profs reply was classic... Totally
straight-faced he answered her question, he stated
"It doesn't taste sweet, because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the
tip of your tongue". ...she never returned to class!

[cool1]

Toward the end of their senior year in high school, students were required
to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim,
Rescue Anne, to practice.

Rescue Anne was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the
students gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put
his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly, the student turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She says
she can't feel her legs!"

[cool1]

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting
to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop
and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered
the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the
patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

[cool1]

A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was giving a
speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off
while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston
by yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?" Churchill
sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."

[cool1]

Last year I'd locked myself out of my car. I watched the locksmith
work with that wire that slides under the window and then
pushes up the lock. I asked him, 'that goes under the
window, huh? What do you do if the window is down?'
I swear, sometimes I embarrass myself.

[cool1]

A thief burst into a Winnipeg CIBC bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK-UP!" For a moment,
everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely
lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because
he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired
before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In
memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved
"Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fxxk-up

[fresh]

nice and funy thanks

[born2blog]

great jokes as always cool1

[ScreaM]

lol at the first one. Smart wifey.

[Auf Mauf]

hehe some of those jokes make me to lough pretty loud.

[AbsolutePorn]

LMAO at the new jokes!!!

[GerardX]

LOL. Nice ones. Thanks.

[cool1]

Thanks everyone

[Wiggles]

haha those are great!